When time does not heal
Imagine this – One of your friends has approached you with a great business plan and asked you to partner with him. You have always had the wish to start a business. You love the concept. You believe the idea could be transformational and has financial value. You think of taking this on you are reminded of the last time you invested in a business and lost a big chunk of you savings…and you stop yourself.
Or picture this, you have finally met the woman/man of your dreams and she/he is everything that you wanted in a life partner, except you struggle to commit and be vulnerable because the last time you did that the person left you for someone else and the hurt though lesser is something that never really healed.
The deep well of “If only” excuses
Not all failure stories have such high stakes. Some can be smaller but have similar patterns.
We are talking of an area in your life where you struggle to take the next step even when you want to, because something from the past holds you back.
Maybe you struggle to speak confidently at a presentation because of that one time you really did a bad job of it.
Or maybe you love to dance but never do so in public, because the last time you did it in college you lived with the ridicule for the rest of the year.
The movement from wanting to do something and deciding not to may happen so quickly and so subconsciously that the only indicator that something is not right is that you are not moving forward towards a goal or dream. You excuse yourself saying that you would do it if only you had enough time, resources, money, ability,etc you would get round to doing what you want. But deep inside it’s really the fear of how things could go horrible wrong (just like last time) that holds you back.
So what is that one thing that you would really like to do?
And whats the story you tell yourself when you hold yourself back?
Whats your “if only” excuse that you hide behind?
Making peace with it and letting it go:
It’s not your identity: The first step is to separate the incident from your identity. The event was an event (big or small) and not a definition of you. It could have designed things in you life but is just one incident among the millions in your life. You in totality are a bigger and more powerful being than to be defined by just one thing.If you could break up your life into a series of events what are the ones that you are proud of or the ones that helped others or the ones that went well?
It is there for a reason :Acknowledge any fear or hesitation you feel, because it is there for a purpose. If you gave this feeling a shape or form what would it be like? Would it be a picture, a voice or just a feeling in your body? If the feeling had a positive intent what would that be? What is it trying to tell you? What if the feeling was a person what could you say to it to calm it and reassure it? All fear we feel comes from our primitive mind which is designed to keep us safe. If you reassure this part of the mind instead of ignoring, shunning or trying to push it away you may get some insights into how you want to proceed.
“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” – Henry Ford
Plan your strategy: What actions must you take to release yourself of this failure? Does your mind need proof of success. What if you could build your strategies to go ahead in spite of the fear? What if you could succeed inspite of the fear. Ask yourself what are the checks you could put in place to know you are proceeding on the right path. How would you know it is okay to proceed? What would be the things you would do to know if you need to pull back. Even more importantly what if you could be okay to fail?
“When we give ourselves permission to fail, we, at the same time, give ourselves permission to excel.” – Eloise Ristad
Seek help: The intent of this article is to help the readers understand and work with their past failures but is not a substitute for medical help. If your fear is too large for you to handle or is overtaking your life seek professional help.