I have always seen myself as a go-getter. A winner no less. When I start a program my need to win makes me want to create and deliver at a high level. When I am working with a client the need to win makes me want to help the client get to the goals they want. The clients I work with are also pretty much in the same league. They want to win. After all, leadership and the need to win is often seen as synonymous with each other. A leader needs to be able to take his /her team to new heights of success. Winning is good. It helps organisations, careers and businesses grow. It creates opportunities and development. The need to win is the cornerstone of all enterprises.
So if winning is good does it always make you more successful? Surprisingly the answer is no.
There are often moments when I find that the need to win starts becoming a hinderance rather than a support for me and my clients
The need to win can easily turn into the need to win at any cost
We all know of successful sports people and drug abuse. Or of eminent business men or politicians caught in money laundering scandals. This is the need to win playing out . Most of us would never dream to be part of that type of thing would we?.
But in the work place and personal life this trait does exist and plays out in more subtle ways. Have you ever been in a game of cards with friends where losing makes you feel angry? Or have you been in an argument where at some point the issue at hand was lost and all you were focussing on was getting one up on the other person? I know I have. And I know it is nothing other than my strong need to win that puts me there.
The deeper issue:Whenever I look back at any incident when the need to win makes me push people aside or want to beat down their ideas I realise that it is not about my idea but my need to prove to myself and others that “I am the best” – even when it is not really needed. It speaks of insecurities and fear of failure that all of us struggle with. And when I operate from that place of wanting to reassure myself that I am a big deal every small thing becomes a BIG battle that I absolutely need to win.
The need to win moves you from your purpose
I was recently working with a client when one of his subordinate walked in to share a report. Half way through the presentation my client pointed out a mistake and proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes telling everyone in the room about the repercussions of the error and the carelessness of the person who was presenting. When I spoke to him after the meeting my client said, ” You need to put these people in their place else they get too cocky.” It left me wondering what was really happening here? I asked my client, “Was the intent to help the other person do better or prove to him that you know more than him? And, if it was to help him do better, was this the best way?”. My client is a very focussed and competent individual. I know that he wanted to help the guy do better but the need to win can often overshadow our other intents and make us act in ways we would otherwise not condone.
The need to win moves you away from the big wins
We have all known a team member, boss or colleague who just cannot see another person do better than them. Sometimes we may even be that person. If you have experienced working with such a person then you know it is an unpleasant experience. In any team the best ideas come from different people at different times. When there is a single person who constantly forces their ideas forward often the shy and less aggressive people may decide to avoid sharing their ideas. People despise any individual who constantly shows them in a bad light by either criticising their ideas or too forcefully pushing their own. In such situations, every argument you win will also causes you to lose a relationship. The more you do this, the more people you let go of. There is no leader without a team. Losing out on relationships leads to a high chance of you losing out on your leadership as well
It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell. – The Buddha